Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
