She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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