cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Your shirt... Was in my pants
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
