Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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