there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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