Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
