I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
