I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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