Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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