and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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