so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Is it penis luge time yet?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
