no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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