Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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