Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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