I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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