is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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