I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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