You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
