i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
