My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
