Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
