you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
