I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
