Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
