I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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