there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
