At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
