M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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