Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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