On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
