All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
