Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
