There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
