we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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