You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize