Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
