Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
