Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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