I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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