I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
