Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
