I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
