Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
