Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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