haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
