you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
