You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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