my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
