alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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