Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
pray to the hookup gods
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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