I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
