Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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