you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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