he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
