you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize