i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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