well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
