I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
